2.22.2005
Go to images.google.com. Type in your answers to the following questions and post the first postable image result for each. (Although this may depend on your definition of what is "postable.")
Place you grew up, place you live now, your name, your grandmother's name, favourite food, favourite drink, favourite song, favourite smell, favourite shoes.
Canyon Lake
San Marcos
Kelsea 
Peggy And Gail
Sushi
Appletini
Only In Dreams
Grass
Ballet Flats
*kissed* @ 11:55 PM
2.18.2005
Ugh. I had a great and emotional night last night that has left me EFFIN exhausted.
We went to the rodeo. We being my mom, me, Daylin, and my moms drunken friend Marie. It was great fun and I had a blast. Once home my mom and I talked for 2 hours about how we have to put my first dog to sleep and that made me think about my dad so we talked about that.
I realised why lately I have been reliving his death and so sad; I am becoming an adult and I never got to know my dad as an adult. The relationship you have with your parents is very different based on your age. Infant relationship is different then child relationship, child is different then pre-teen, pre-teen is different then teen, and then he died during my late teen phase. Now I am an adult and I have no idea what I would have learned about him, how he would have acted, and what he would have thought about me. I have a lot of speculations though.
I also realised that I am so sad because I don't have a peer to discuss much of this with. I mean I have friends but I need someone who has been through what I have been through and I don't have anything like that at all. When I was dating James I kinda sorta had that and that is why I think I clung onto him so tightly. Not to say that the boyfriend is inferior, I wouldn't trade him for the world. Nor do I expect my friends to all have lived through what I have lived through. In fact I am thankful none of them have... It's a hard emotion to explain. It's so funny. I am like typing this to make sure I don't hurt any feelings when there are no feelings to hurt. I'm funny like that. I hate hurting feelings, even if mine usually get shat on. ha. Thanks for atleast not shitting on me, guys.
But in other news, my boyfriend is an amazing man who I really do love. Last night also reaffirmed my belief that missing my dad hurts so much more now that I am in love and want to share Daylin with my dad. ICK.
And in furthere news we put the dog to sleep today. I am gonna be a wreck. I'm so glad I get to see Daylin afterwards.
*kissed* @ 9:08 AM
2.09.2005
Now to overcome the bitterness of my boyfriend post and inspired by my awesome boyfriend who included his friends.
Megan R - You were my first friend when I moved to Canyon Lake. Though you prob. won't be reading this and we prob. won't ever see each other again I will always have a place for you in my heart. It was hard for me to adjust and make friends and you were just so great. I will always remember all the times we laughed till we peed our pants and tore apart different toys and played together. Many sleepovers. SO much fun. Maybe I will find you on face book! I love ya girl!
Tiff - My bestest e-friend ever. You prob. won't read this eitehr due to your lack of internet access now but you were a true friend. I wish we would have been born in the same state at least so we could know one another. Im sure we would be way close. You were the first to find out about EVERYTHING and you are awesome. Remember the Jerry Spring Orgy. BAHAHAHA. It was awesome. Love ya girlie.
Vickie - You were such an awesome friend to me. We had a blast in middle school and you deff. made it a memorable experience. I loved getting to know you and depsite our subtle drifting apart I am glad we met.
Linda - Anotehr one of my kick ass middle school friends. I loved all the letters passed and secrets shared.
Christian - My best friedn for the longest time. Im not sure why you never call me or return my calls or seem to care much but I still love you and hope you are very happy. Maybe some day you will see this. Maybe not. But I will always love ya. Thanks so much for just making me feel like the best girl in the world and for being such a true friend. You helped me really love myself.
Jonathan - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BACOCK. We have SO many effin inside jokes dude! I miss being mall rats and LSDs chinese buffet! bahaha. Keep on havin fun up at tech and go red raiders. Thank you for embracing the outgoing side of me and loving at it and laughing at it. I really needed that.
Leslie - You were prob. the most innocent and sweet friend I have ever had. You were full of life and I hope all goes well for you. No matter what you never gave up hope in finding love and we have so many great memories together. I hope you will give me a call soon so I can get to know you all over again but I understand if you don't want to call. Sometimes its hard to call up those old friends and tell them how much you love them, or loved them. Maybe I did something to hurt you? What ever the case may be you left an impact on my life and I will never forget you <3
Amy C. - AHhH. The best of the best of the choir girls! I love you soooooooooo much. I am going to call you today actually. You were such a good friend to me and I really miss you. In fact since I called you the other day I have missed you a lot. I had so much fun getting close to you on the Renn. Festival trip and becoming really close during high school. Remember the cool community college chicks? Ha ha ha. I loved being the cool junior you kids hung out with! Made me feel special!
Cesar - My first big choir crush ha ha ha. I was mad about you. I eventually got over it and just loved your friendship. I really need to hang out with you. You are so close and we never see each other. Its rediculous! I had so much fun with you and love that you are so musically inclined. Cesar never disapoints to find the kick ass bands we all want to love. Great dancer, great singer, great goof, great friend.
Mike - How can one even begin to describe all the laughter you caused. Or the terror I experienced in the "room of death". Ha. I really really really miss you. You were prob. one of the funniest people I have ever met. I am very glad you finally told me what I already knew ;) Hopefully this summer we can get together and have 1 million more laughs.
Abbie - Always the solid voice of reason and the pacifist in choir. You always had your head on your shoulders, never got a big head, and stayed neutral in all the choir drama. It was really fun getting to know you and getting to experience the "luke" drama. I always had a fun time with you. I am so glad you are happy and doing well. You look so happy every time I bump into you on campus.
Alex - We always had our ups and downs but you really were a sweet, good, friend when I needed you to be one. Your letters were always a pick me up and you were so sweet through all the shit i went through my senior year. I hope you are doing well and hope I can see you again soon. I know you are around these parts. Maybe I will get tommy to give me your number.
Kody Bug - Thank you so much for how you stood by me through all the troubles I had to deal with my senior year. You were the best friend I could have had and I really love you for that. I know we have grown apart but I am glad we are talking more now and I am so happy you have found love. I had no idea you and danny had been together for a year already! I am so excited for you and just want to say thank you again and again and again. You are the only friend who really stuck by my side and supported me entirely through my dads fight. I love ya.
John - You are the best thing I got out of James, though I am sure we could have become friends through choir. Maybe not. Who knows. All I know is you are awesome and I am glad you will be at UNT next year. I am SO coming to visit your choir boy ass and we are gonna party hardy. You really are awesome and never forget that!
Liz-bean - Ha ha ha. My first and best experience at texas state. You have always been the best, always a listening ear, and always full of fun stories for us. you have been there for me in a major way and I am thankfulf or it. Hopefully I will be an RA next year in a dorm close to you so we can hang out much more. Heres to a thousand more years of parties, fun, and friendship :P
Philster - You crack me up. You are always around for a good laugh and to tell us a great joke. I'm very sorry I had to beat your ass in all of our political debates :) You are a cool guy and keep on searching for love, preferably outside of the Kelz Kate Liz and Kelly posse :P j/k.
Nicole - I know we don't talk much any more but I had SO much fun with you our first year in college. I am glad you are enjoying your life and I still love you, even if you are a sororahoe :P I must admit all the jimmy drama made my first year fun :P I love ya and never change. You are a great girl.
Kelly - My tottaly platonic, awesome, friend. You are my number one politics buddy. I like how my political discussions with you always gvie me new ideas and inform me of things I didn't know. I love your innocent yet not innocent persona and just how awesome you are. I am glad I got to know you better this year and can't wait for the years ahead.
Kate - Kate rocks. Best roomie EVA. Shes so awesome, even if she lives with AJ now. You made my sophmore year rock and I have so many good memories of fun with the roomie. You always make me crack up and I love how we can be total dorks around each other. Heres to best friendship, great parties, and being obsessed with finding love :P
AJ - Thank you so much for making my best friend the happiest girl in the world. Thank you for being cool people. Thank you for making us always feel welcome at your place. You are so great and you really are a fun guy to be around :)
Morgan - I love ya. You are great and I am so glad I met you. Thansk for all the fun parties and fun memories. We will hang out soon. I've been distant lately and I hate it.
Jake - You are my favorite blind, black guy. Then again I only know one blind, black guy. I will always stay hardcore for you and I need to come see you soon. <3
Tamara - We recently met through raul and I think you are awesome. I hope we get to be better friends and you rock my world! I don't have much else to say because I dont know you that well yet. I love workin out with ya and hope we get to be better friends as the years progress :)
Raul - Ha. You crack me up so much. I lvoe coming to see daylin and having to be around you. I love my mexican friend :P Keep on obsessing over cleanliness and being a total spaz! Good thing we have tammy here at texas state so you will be forced to see daylin and I when he moves up here in the fall.
Bic - You pot hea dyou. I love ya. Even if you grope me when my boyfriend isnt looking. I am so glad that daylin has such awesome roomies who are so much fun to be around. I am glad I can be your own personal Dr. Ruth :P
Daylin <3<3<3 - I love you. So much. You are my one true love and I am so glad I found you so soon. For the longest time I figured I would date around for ever and never settle down but I settled the second I kissed you. Meeting you is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so excited about us. You make me so happy and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. There are so many corny things I could say here but I won't to save face and look cool on my blog :P (Plus you will just hear it all later any way) Stay the amazing guy you are and never change. I love you SO much and can't wait till you are here next semester.
So thats it. You all rock. I love yall. I didn't include family because all I really have is my mom and well, she knows how I feel and you all do too. <3
*kissed* @ 10:50 AM
2.04.2005
So I really hate falling asleep because thats when I start to think.
My mom is alone. So alone. I'm not there during the school year at all any more. She is so lonely and I don't know what to do.
She won't let me go against what I want to do and live at home out of pity for her. That is out of the question. That wouldn't make either of us happier. I will live at home this summer but I am afraid that pretty soon I will want to get an apartment and won't live at home any more.
And she will still be alone, unless she meets someone soon.
At first when she told me she was going to start dating again I was horrified, upset, and felt so betrayed. But now all I want is for her to meet someone she can love and be happy.
Fuck. This sucks. These emotions and feelings suck. How helpless I feel sucks. How lost and alone I feel lately sucks.
And it isn't the kind of alone that is fixable. Its like desolation. Being stranded. Not really knowing anyone that can help you out of these feelings. The only thing that can help you is time. And lots of love.
I am so thankful I have the love part... now I need the time. Which can't come quickly enough.
*kissed* @ 10:22 AM
2.02.2005
So I am listening to the State of the Union Address
My predictions of ways Bush will fail to come through on what he said.
1) Cutting the deficet, which he has created, in half. (Basically restoring it to its origional crappyness. But I doubt he will do shit.)
2) More environmentally friendly forms of energy and fuel (Including "safe" nuclear energy. bahaha. Thats prob. the only thing he will come through with)
3) Here we go with SS. So we need to save it. Got it. Please Bush, for the sake of you not being a total idiot, explain HOW we are going to save it in clear and concise language that will completely explain how you are saving SS. Still havn't done it. Hmm. (Im typing as I listen. Ha.) Ha. someone clapped at the wrong time. People are getting upset now as he tells us about how we are fucked when it comes to SS basically. Now everyone stands again. Oh bushie LOVES the children. Voluntary personal investment accounts. Heres how it works. A set portion of the money you earn is taken out of our paychecks to pay for those who retire today. With thsi idea you get to set aside part of the money taken out and set in your own account. And you get your own money when you retire. You also have the option of passing it to your children or grandchildren. And the gov. never takes it away.
I hate to say it but i love his idea... though I am still very uncertain as to how this will save ss. Like... we get to save our own money. Fantastic. We also get to pull from ss when we retire. GREAT. But under this plan we start paying even less into ss. So.... basically. Less money goes into a system thats on its way out? Lets hear some more..
FUCK YOU BUSH. DONT TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE YOU FUCKING RETARD. God. Ugh. This made my stomach turn.
And now we will brush over the fact that i want to do out with life.
Oh god. They showed reeves wife. She is about to cry because she realises that bush is against fetal stem cell.
*shakes head* I understand what he is getting at but this is just anoher backdoor to overturning roe. He says that america will value life and not buy or sell it. I suppose this means not selling your fetus for stem cell. This also gives him the clout to prevent a woman from concieving to abort to save the life of a loved one if we ever aquire the technology to use stem cells to save lives... wait. It exists. We just deny it. We wont accept it.
What ever. I am sure not even some of my liberal comrads may support such an idea. I just know that if a stem cell could have saved my dads life, i would concieve and abort in a heart beat.
Any way...
Bush is making his speech VERY kosher and being very vauge about his plans. Hes hinting at stuff.
Though he was clear as hell about "saving marriage"
He should be beaten. Severly.
Now onto iraq. Basically he just said we should still be scared, brought up WMDs again because they SO have those, and said "We will stay on offensive" aka "we are stayin in iraq and creating a new vietnam."
Just wait america. Wait until each and every family has experienced some sort of loss at the hands of our president. Then maybe you will revolt and get our brave men and women home.
He SO almost said coalition of the willing.
Im done. I dont care what he has to say about iraq. its the same shit as always
*kissed* @ 8:19 PM